This time last year...

... We were anxiously awaiting Max's arrival; I had just left L&D for what would be the first time in three days. I'd been having contractions and was not progressing, but knew he'd come before his due date of 8/11. I remember dreaming about what he would look like, would he have hair, how big he would be, etc., and was just SO ANXIOUS to meet him.

And here I sit, one year later, with a huge little nugget sprawled out in his bed after a quick snuggle; he's become quite independent when going to sleep, so anytime he will get sweet, I'll take it. His legs now hang off the the side of the rocking chair, and his hand usually grabs onto a part of my shirt... or my hair... or, wait for it... my bra (he's such a boy); his little mouth falls open just enough so I can see his newly developing buck tooth, and his sweet little (soy) milky breath is just about enough to do me in.

A far cry from last year's inability to do, um, anything, he can now crawl faster than I can usually walk, climb stairs faster than we can chase him up them, and he just started walking with his little push toys- simultaneously thrilling and maddening as he can't figure out how to go backwards, so when he gets stuck, he just stands there and yells.

He says more than I've ever heard a one year old say, and repeats vocal inflection in a way that makes us realize he ACTUALLY understands what we are saying. He is terrifyingly smart, and I'm pretty sure it's not just because he's my kid.

A year ago, I had no idea what I was going to do for work; I now work for a company I'd always hoped to work for, and they are as supportive of my family and my title of Mama as I ever could have dreamed.

My life is a million times different, a million times harder, a million times more complicated, and an infinite number of times BETTER because MAX THOMAS is in it. I am grateful where I came from, and I NEVER want to go back to life without Max. I love you buddy.

In denial... and other reasons why I've sucked at blogging

So I started blogging because... well... I don't really know why.

Maybe to share thoughts and feelings; though many of my unfiltered posts never make it on here anyway...
Maybe to share pictures... though I mostly update Facebook as Blogger has serious issues with speed...
Maybe to keep a 'journal' of our daily goings on... but well, let's be honest. I never update.

So when I had Max, I was determined to use it as a way to document his life; to, at very least, sit down each month and write a letter to him remembering how the month went. I was always told the first year flies by, and I wanted to have a written memory of my thoughts and feelings.

But as he got older, I started updating less.

I used to take a picture of him each week to document how he's grown. When he hit 10-ish months, I think I thought that if I stopped taking pictures, then maybe he'd stop growing.

I wrote him a letter until about two months ago, and I think I stopped because I knew that if I acknowledged another month had gone by, the speed with which our lives were passing would be too much for me to handle.

And here I sit, three weeks from his FIRST BIRTHDAY, and I am in awe, denial, and utter amazement. Awe at how much things have changed since just one year ago- last year, I was eagerly anticipating his arrival. Beyond impatient, in fact. We had just finished our settlement with Alcon, so even though I wasn't working, we could breathe for a bit. Last year, I was in what felt like a season of waiting, of not knowing.

Today, I am sitting at the kitchen table of the apartment I will live in for 2+ more weeks while I am at training for my new job with Eli Lilly. My dream job. Ben and Max are both here as Lilly FULLY supports keeping Mom's and baby's together, even when the Mom has to be away. They have given me my own apartment for the stay so Max can be here with me. We just had a leisurely dinner outside on this beautiful evening, and of course Max delighted everyone he saw. We got back and took a nice long bath, then read books for 45 minutes. The initial excitement over his favorite "touch 'n feel" book slowly gave way to snuggling and a bottle, and he is falling asleep quietly while Ben and I relax.

I am calm. I am at peace. I am eagerly anticipating the routine we will have as a family when I return, and I look to the future with peace, confidence and humbleness regarding our financial situation.

God has blessed us richly over this past year- through family and friends, peace that passed understanding, lessons we didn't want to learn but had to, and mostly, though His constant forgiveness and grace.

So here I sit, recognizing that in three short weeks, that precious miracle we couldn't wait to meet will have been here for one whole year. We are better people because of him. The world is a better place because of Max.

And one year after I first learned what it felt like to have my heart walking (crawling :) around outside of my chest, I am brought to tears at how amazing it has all been. I wouldn't change a second, and I can't wait to keep going.

I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried...

So yesterday I go outside because I hear the dogs fighting with each other, and as I go to pull them apart, I see a tiny baby squirrel laying on its side. I'm not sure if it's dead, but it was so very small, and very apparent that he was the reason for the fighting. I get a bit closer and see that he is, in fact alive, and start yelling, "Run baby squirrel, run!" as I scoop Athena up and grab Titan by the scruff.

After I get Athena in the house, I go back to grab Titan, who now has the little thing in his mouth. I start yelling at him to put it down, which he does, and yell again, "RUN BABY SQUIRREL!!! NOW'S YOUR CHANCE!!!" (S)he finally runs under the grill and I get Titan inside.

I'm quite certain this is the last we've seen of this poor creature- either (s)he has internal bleeding from my dogs thinking s/he is a chew toy, or we've scared it half (or all the way) to death.

BUT... as Ben is getting Max ready to leave today, he hears them barking again and goes outside to find them both around Baby Squirrel, and Baby Squirrel PLAYING BACK. Titan was actually the one trying to mouth it, so he had to be called off. But Athena was so sweet!!! I wonder if she thinks it's a puppy...



So we will keep an eye out because now I'm afraid its Mother abandoned him/her... what do we do then????

Oh my goodness, life is never dull around here!

39 in, 39 out...

Baby Max,

My how time flies. You are 9 months old today, 39 weeks to be exact. And 39 weeks ago, you were born at 39 weeks gestation. 39 in, 39 out...

August 5th, 2010- 1 day old :)

Much to my dismay, the time you have been here has passed WAY quicker than the time passed when I was pregnant. And I loved being pregnant. But man, do I LOVE being your Mama.

Easter 2011

These 9 months have seen some of our highest of highs and lowest of lows. We lost one of our CYT students last month, and I don't know that I've ever cried more or held you tighter than I did during that time. You finally started sleeping through the WHOLE night, and wouldn't you know it, I'd go in around 11pm and scoop your little body into my arms and just stare at you. Sometimes I'd cry, sometimes I'd smile and try not to laugh, other times I'd just nod off :) But I NEEDED you in my arms, to know you were safe, to feel you breathing, to soak up every second I could.

From one of our late-night Mama-induced snuggles. Totally pissed you off with the flash. Whoops.

I was so aware of how fleeting life was- and so aware that, although you are mine and your Daddy's tiny human, you are on loan from our Heavenly Father. I look at you and just can't believe God is trusting me with you. And each night as we pray, I beg God to let us live a long and happy life together. I don't want to constantly live in fear, but I just can not imagine life without you. You are amazing.

And then, we move into my Mother of the Year moments, most recently when you managed to roll off of your changing table and get your first black eye. Oh my goodness, I don't think I've ever been more scared in my life. I rushed you to the ER, and after a CAT scan and observation, you were SO unfazed and no worse for the wear. Initially your eye actually didn't look too bad, but as the days have passed, you have developed a shiner even your Daddy is jealous of :) After many hours of beating myself up, Daddy and I decided to commemorate the event by dressing you up in your Blackhawks jersey and toting one of Daddy's hockey sticks and pucks to the photo studio. The shots from that day are probably some of my favorites you've ever taken.

We have had many outings, lots of play-time, and just general joy all around. Most significantly, you are TOTALLY on the move. You can scoot like a pro, and you spin on your belly like it's your job. Our life is changing FAST as we are starting to child-proof, gate-off, duct-tape, etc.



Your newest thing is going STRAIGHT for the dog bowls and grabbing a handful of dog food if I can't get to you fast enough. Yum.

You are loving each bite of food you get, and have tried so many new things! The more you try, the messier you get, and I just love watching you learn how to feed yourself and discover new foods.

Eating puffs off the floor :)

Devouring a teething biscuit.

You are just so much more active, such a willing and able participant in your own life, and you are such a joy to be around. This next video is a bit long, but it shows just how much fun you are, how you never stop smiling, and how your laugh is contagious. I love you so much my little Max!!!

Kicking Breast Cancer in the Face

I've signed up to do something I've never done... to push myself harder than I've pushed... and it will be an honor to walk in support of one of my CYT student's Mama... an amazing woman with a huge fight ahead of her. Would you support me? Let's show Lisa just how many people support her in her fight... Click here to donate!

I've committed to participating in the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer. It's a big commitment, one that will require me to spend the next couple months training and fundraising. But breast cancer is a big disease, one that still affects far too many people, and I'm determined to do everything I can to help put an end to it. The money I raise will be managed and disbursed by the Avon Foundation Breast Cancer Crusade to help provide access to care for those that most need it, fund educational programs, and accelerate research into new treatments and potential cures. I'll be just one of thousands of people that will walk up to a marathon and a half over a weekend, raising awareness of the cause and educating even more people.

I can't do it without your help. Though I'm required to raise at least $1,800 in donation, I plan to raise much more!

I hope that I can count on your support.

You can make a donation to my fundraising campaign by clicking here => Click here to donate! If you prefer to write a check, just contact me and I'll send you the information and form.

As I prepare for this exciting event, I plan to update my page frequently so that all my supporters can follow my progress, so please visit often. While you're there, you might want to spend some time on the site to find out more information on why this event is so important, and the organizations and people that will be helped by the money we all raise.

Thank you in advance.

Click here to donate!

He is Faithful...

June 10th, 2010 was one of the hardest days of my life. I was less than 2 months from my due date, had just been in L & D due to pre-term labor, and on that particular morning, I sat in a conference room being told I was no longer going to be working for Alcon.
7 months pregnant and I needed to find a new job.
2 months away from having a baby and we were loosing our main source of income.

Due to the nature of my parting ways with Alcon, I don't think I ever really got to mourn what happened; to grieve how useless and foolish I felt; to cry about how unfair and unjust it all was. We dove into taking legal action due to wrongful termination, and just as we were finishing up with that, our amazing son Max turned our world upside-down.

It was a glorious time... overwhelming, yes... but newness of this tiny person and our new normal slowly gave way to realizing I had to start looking for work.

Month after month, we would look at our bills, often cry over them, and pray for God to provide. Month after month, we'd pray over how I'd get around as we could not afford to buy another car. We found ways to sacrifice- sold Ben's car, cancelled cable, lowered our cell phone plan, and I even gave up my beloved Starbucks. Most times it seemed like it wouldn't be enough. And many times, it wasn't. But month after month, family and friends blessed us with cars to borrow, ears for listening, a meal to share. A few weeks ago, my parent's just gave us one of their cars. Just gave it to us. Wow.

I started really interviewing/applying for work again in November. I went through about 6 major interviews, 3 with the same company; I flew to Texas, drove to an interview in the Blizzard of 2011, networked with any and everyone who would listen. I was about *thisclose* to a job what felt like once a month, and then something would happen- they had to offer the job to an internal transfer, someone else with 15+ years experience would interview at the last minute- I felt like I'd never get another job.

We learned a lot about ourselves and our shortcomings in these months. I've grown more in these past 10 months than I think I have in my entire life. We decided that, when we were done with this time (whenever God decided that would be), we would be better stewards of our time, finances, relationships. I came to the decision that, if I didn't find a job by May 1st I'd go back to school for Nursing. It's been a back-burner dream of mine, and I had decided now was as good a time as any.

Then a few weeks ago, I had an interview and it went really, really well. And a follow-up with a current rep that went even better. And another phone call that ended on a great note. And then a request to call the manager Friday (this) morning to discuss "next steps"... the only step left was to get hired!!! Come ON guy! Don't leave me hanging!

And the call this morning... I got the job. I received my offer letter moments after hanging up the phone. I did not have to take even a penny pay-cut from what I was earning at Alcon.

And the part, when all the laughing and screaming and praising was done, when I really noticed my new start date with Eli Lilly (the company I have ALWAYS wanted to work for):

June 10th, 2011. One year to the day after I lost my job.

God is so faithful, so funny, so humbling.

We didn't lose our house, we didn't have to buy another car, we had food on our table, clothes on our backs and diapers on Max's butt.

I'm Choreographing Godspell for CYT right now, and one of the songs, All Good Gifts, just keeps playing over and over in my head. The chorus is as follows:
All good gifts around us are sent from Heaven above.
So thank the Lord, so thank the Lord for all His Love.

I want to make one thing clear- God loves us whether I have a job or not. He cares about us even when times are hard. I don't base my understanding and thankfulness for His care on how much money we make or what cars we drive. He is faithful, He HAS been faithful, and He will continue to be faithful, no matter the circumstances.

But man... June 10th has been redeemed, and I am so humbled.

I signed up for this...

I'm not sure why I'm blogging this, but I guess I just want to document ALL of this thing called Mothering...

Max has been inconsolable the past few nights, and after much discussion, we decided to let him try and cry-it-out a little tonight.

After over an hour of screaming (with checks every 10 minutes or so), I finally rocked him for a bit and changed his diaper just to make sure I wasn't missing something. Besides the fact that he had thrown-up on himself a bit from crying so much, he calmed down quickly once I picked him up. Dang it. Now I know he's just fighting sleep.

WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!? I wish he came with a translator. I'm so tired, so frustrated, so overwhelmed.

How can I love someone so much and just want to squeeze the tears all out at the same time?!?!

If I take a couple minutes and a few deep breaths, I PRAISE GOD for the fact that I have a healthy, normally happy little miracle to call my own. He is amazing, and I really, deep down know that I wouldn't trade this for anything.

It's just reallyreally hard tonight. Dear Lord, please just help him sleep.

The Plague of March 2011... and other reasons why this week sucked.

A few weeks ago Ben came down with a wicked flu... not necessarily stomach flu, but he had as high a fever as I've seen him have, had the whole chills/burning up thing, and couldn't even get out of bed for a good 2 days. I was pretty pleased with myself when neither Max nor I got it, and patted my boobs (because I nursed him a ton- Max, not Ben. ha) and my flu shot on the back... or something like that.

Then this week happened. I had been wrestling with a headache that would start to threaten a migraine for about three days, and by Monday evening, I knew I needed to head to an Immediate Care for the strong stuff. I don't have the energy to go into the outrageous experience I had at the first place I went to, but finally got some relief around 1am at the second IC. Ben had to work late so Max had been sleeping at my parent's house, and I decided to crash there after the whole ordeal. It was a good thing I did because I woke up the next morning with a fever, body aches/chills, a headache and the stomach part of the flu you'd not wish on your worst enemy. God bless my amazing parents who cared for Max until Ben came over, and then Ben for being Mr. Mom for a few days while I recouped. I FINALLY just started eating normal foods again. Like, today. Gross.

THANKFULLY, Max still hasn't show any signs of being sick even though we are down to nursing only when he wakes up and before he goes to bed. A transition that, by the way, has gone very well. He's eating so many new food each day, and recently was introduced to the amazingness that is Puffs. Cutest. Thing. Ever. watching him pick them up with his little hands :)

Titan has recently realized how beneficial his friendship with Max is becoming... I think we have two best friends on our hands :)

 

One year ago today...

We found out our 'baby' was going to be a "Max". 

It seems so long ago, and yet I remember it with crystal clarity.

So glad this:

 (20 week belly shot and 3D-ultrasound)

Became YOU:

Who is now THIS:

Doing things like this:

Drinking juice from a sippy cup (kind of)

Clapping...

Sitting up

This is all happening too fast.

WE LOVE YOU MAX THOMAS!!!

Putting Athena in Max's bed... and other things I do when I'm about to loose it.

That would be Miss Athena licking Max's hand while Max is whining in his Pack 'n' Play... which leads to the next awesome parenting tactic...

Here he is sleeping... in his Pack 'N' Play... in his room. Next to his crib.

We were in the process of transitioning him from the office upstairs (next to our room) to his bedroom, and eventually, his own bed. This was over a week ago. Ahem.

Next...

Here he is watching Sesame Street (which I said I wouldn't let him do until he was older) in his high-chair (which I said I wouldn't use as a 'babysitter') chewing on his spoon (which I normally don't let him do unattended). And yes, I did indeed wheel the high chair out to the living room. 

I'm actually proud to say that, during Peter Pan shows (the most recent show I choreo'd for CYT), I happily painted a pirate moustache on Max.

"Where to, Miss?" Just call me Britney Spears. Ok, in all seriousness we were sitting waiting for the tow truck and he was having NONE of his car seat. Clearly we weren't actually driving.

And here he is standing on his little chair because he didn't want to sit. Harmless enough until you see the video below detailing what transpired as I let him stand on his chair.

And with that, I conclude my post on my most recent exceptional parenting moments.

Max is 7 months!!!

Oh Max,

I've been called out. I hung out with 2 of the 4 readers of this blog and was told that, yes, I officially suck at updating.

My new goal is to post at least once a week. If nothing else than just to share pictures, I'm going to do it because I want YOU to have these memories when you get older.

What a month it has been... biggest news of all, you were finally able to have your circumcision surgery. While I'm sure you won't appreciate me discussing your man parts online, it was a big deal!!! You had to go under general anesthesia and did GREAT. I had a few moments of worry/scare but overall I knew you'd do well and you did! It was so sad seeing you in recovery... your Daddy and I have never heard you cry like you did. I wish I could have taken all the pain, but alas, I could not. Luckily you got your first 'taste' of narcotics and were able to sleep through a bit of the initial pain. And aside from some tenderness at diaper changes, you are no worse for the wear. My little champion!

I hate that hospital cribs look like a jail :-<

This month you have been on the 'move' in the best way possible... still 'stationary', but figuring out you can move around! You love rolling all over and spinning on your belly... funny story, I had put you in your bouncy when I went to the bathroom quickly. Not 2 minutes later I come out to find you have wiggled your way out and were now on your tummy a good two feet away. I never heard a clunk or cry... how did you do that?!?! The first of many surprises yet to come I'm sure.

Rolling around at Jenny Ike's Baby Shower

You had your second sleepover with Mimi and Grampa and wouldn't you know it, you slept through the night. What a joker!!! You are getting better about sleeping at home, but you full-on slept from 8:15-6:15 and then went back down after a quick feed and short play.

Snoozing with Gigi. Nice pants kid :)

You've been eating like a champ, trying some new combination of food almost every day. Your favorite dishes usually include some kind of meat (chicken and turkey are your faves I think) and a vegetable. You like fruit, but I think prefer your veggies. We have kept away from rice cereal as you still tend to be constipated more than not (I know, more private details one may wonder why I'm sharing online), but have been doing better since we started giving you a bit of juice and prunes more often. And though you have not master it by any means, you have been enjoying your juice in a sippy cup!!! I can't believe you are old enough to start using a cup. Gah.

 

We celebrated your Auntie Lauren and (Almost) Uncle Nick's engagement as well as Mommy and Daddy's 4th Anniversary! I tried to look back to see if I was wrong, but that night (the 23rd) was the first time you had a babysitter that WASN'T family! You love Lindsay Eder so very much, and she absolutely adores you; it wasn't too hard to leave you :) Emma was here too, so you just had a blast!

With Auntie Lauren, Uncle Nick and Nick's sister Katie (your Auntie-in-Law I guess? :)

At the end of the month you "helped" Mommy put on your first CYT show (that I was on the Directing team for)... Peter Pan with CYT DuPage. You LOVED all of your new friends and actually loved watching the show... you are a little performer in the making I'm quite sure!

Yes, I did paint a pirate mustache on you. And yes, I'm wearing "Fairy" make-up.

And now on to March... hopefully Spring will continue to peep it's head... you LOVE being outside and I can't wait until we can enjoy walks and days at the park.

We love you SO, SO MUCH Max!!!

Love,
Mama