In denial... and other reasons why I've sucked at blogging

So I started blogging because... well... I don't really know why.

Maybe to share thoughts and feelings; though many of my unfiltered posts never make it on here anyway...
Maybe to share pictures... though I mostly update Facebook as Blogger has serious issues with speed...
Maybe to keep a 'journal' of our daily goings on... but well, let's be honest. I never update.

So when I had Max, I was determined to use it as a way to document his life; to, at very least, sit down each month and write a letter to him remembering how the month went. I was always told the first year flies by, and I wanted to have a written memory of my thoughts and feelings.

But as he got older, I started updating less.

I used to take a picture of him each week to document how he's grown. When he hit 10-ish months, I think I thought that if I stopped taking pictures, then maybe he'd stop growing.

I wrote him a letter until about two months ago, and I think I stopped because I knew that if I acknowledged another month had gone by, the speed with which our lives were passing would be too much for me to handle.

And here I sit, three weeks from his FIRST BIRTHDAY, and I am in awe, denial, and utter amazement. Awe at how much things have changed since just one year ago- last year, I was eagerly anticipating his arrival. Beyond impatient, in fact. We had just finished our settlement with Alcon, so even though I wasn't working, we could breathe for a bit. Last year, I was in what felt like a season of waiting, of not knowing.

Today, I am sitting at the kitchen table of the apartment I will live in for 2+ more weeks while I am at training for my new job with Eli Lilly. My dream job. Ben and Max are both here as Lilly FULLY supports keeping Mom's and baby's together, even when the Mom has to be away. They have given me my own apartment for the stay so Max can be here with me. We just had a leisurely dinner outside on this beautiful evening, and of course Max delighted everyone he saw. We got back and took a nice long bath, then read books for 45 minutes. The initial excitement over his favorite "touch 'n feel" book slowly gave way to snuggling and a bottle, and he is falling asleep quietly while Ben and I relax.

I am calm. I am at peace. I am eagerly anticipating the routine we will have as a family when I return, and I look to the future with peace, confidence and humbleness regarding our financial situation.

God has blessed us richly over this past year- through family and friends, peace that passed understanding, lessons we didn't want to learn but had to, and mostly, though His constant forgiveness and grace.

So here I sit, recognizing that in three short weeks, that precious miracle we couldn't wait to meet will have been here for one whole year. We are better people because of him. The world is a better place because of Max.

And one year after I first learned what it felt like to have my heart walking (crawling :) around outside of my chest, I am brought to tears at how amazing it has all been. I wouldn't change a second, and I can't wait to keep going.