The post in which I share my biggest fear and end with a video

I consider myself a fairly positive person. I have DREAMED of being a mom since I was old enough to grasp the concept of caring for someone younger than me. I have spent years loving other people's children (with great joy I might add!), but knew my greatest day would come when I had a little person of my own.

Yet I never could have imagined how amazing it really would be. I love Max so much it hurts. His sweet little smirks, his fake "cries", his real cries, even his poopy diapers- they are all precious to me. No matter how much I know about how babies grow/exist, I sill worry about every little squeak, every cry, every long streak with no poop, etc.

I have recently been so aware of the pain that many women go through when it comes to children- be it their yearning for a baby and difficulty getting pregnant, the loss of a baby either through miscarriage, SIDS, etc. or even the loss of their own lives while their babies are still young- I am keenly aware at how fragile the gift of motherhood is.

I know I will mess up... many, many, many times. I will piss Max off, I will get angry when I shouldn't, I will not change his diaper fast enough or maybe forget to pick him up from hockey practice. I'm not afraid so much of that because I am prepared to be human. What I am TERRIFIED of is missing ANY of his life. In short, I don't want to die. 

I have never hated my mortality more now that I have a little person to call my own. Don't get me wrong- I believe in Heaven and in my intelligent brain, I long for the day I will get to celebrate with family and friends in the presence of the Lord. But the thought, right this moment, of missing any of Max's life literally brings me to tears.

I guess that's what mom's talk about when they speak of loving fiercely- I love him with a vengeance that makes me want to protect him from ANY and EVERYTHING... and now, more than ever, I want to take better care of myself so I am around for a long, long time.

To Max: Never question if you were loved in this life. I promise your Daddy and I will raise you to know and love the Lord so we will all be together at the end of this life. But know that I am SO grateful to have you; you are so precious and I live to love you.

On a lighter note, here is a sweet video of our Mr. Baby playing with his keys for the first time!