The post in which I share my biggest fear and end with a video

I consider myself a fairly positive person. I have DREAMED of being a mom since I was old enough to grasp the concept of caring for someone younger than me. I have spent years loving other people's children (with great joy I might add!), but knew my greatest day would come when I had a little person of my own.

Yet I never could have imagined how amazing it really would be. I love Max so much it hurts. His sweet little smirks, his fake "cries", his real cries, even his poopy diapers- they are all precious to me. No matter how much I know about how babies grow/exist, I sill worry about every little squeak, every cry, every long streak with no poop, etc.

I have recently been so aware of the pain that many women go through when it comes to children- be it their yearning for a baby and difficulty getting pregnant, the loss of a baby either through miscarriage, SIDS, etc. or even the loss of their own lives while their babies are still young- I am keenly aware at how fragile the gift of motherhood is.

I know I will mess up... many, many, many times. I will piss Max off, I will get angry when I shouldn't, I will not change his diaper fast enough or maybe forget to pick him up from hockey practice. I'm not afraid so much of that because I am prepared to be human. What I am TERRIFIED of is missing ANY of his life. In short, I don't want to die. 

I have never hated my mortality more now that I have a little person to call my own. Don't get me wrong- I believe in Heaven and in my intelligent brain, I long for the day I will get to celebrate with family and friends in the presence of the Lord. But the thought, right this moment, of missing any of Max's life literally brings me to tears.

I guess that's what mom's talk about when they speak of loving fiercely- I love him with a vengeance that makes me want to protect him from ANY and EVERYTHING... and now, more than ever, I want to take better care of myself so I am around for a long, long time.

To Max: Never question if you were loved in this life. I promise your Daddy and I will raise you to know and love the Lord so we will all be together at the end of this life. But know that I am SO grateful to have you; you are so precious and I live to love you.

On a lighter note, here is a sweet video of our Mr. Baby playing with his keys for the first time!

Month One

My dearest Max,

You will learn quickly your Mama is not always the most timely of people... I'm getting better about it but, as exemplified by this note coming a few days after your one month birthday, I still loose track of time a little too easily.

This month, though, I have never cared less about time- keeping track of it, that is. I have been soaking up every moment with you like it's the first time I've ever had water. And actually, so many moments HAVE been firsts- first time holding you, first day/night home as a family, first blow-out :)... I have loved learning who you are so much.

And you are just so precious! Such a sweet, calm baby. When you DO get upset, it's actually pretty funny (unless Mommy's really tired, then I have a hard time finding the humor in your arguments). You have the goofiest, angriest, immediate displeasure of a whine/scream I've ever heard. You are fairly easily calmed, though, once we figure out what you need.

And I am learning so much about being a MOM! It constantly amazes me how much I can "know" (as in, I studied it and trained others!), but when it comes to caring for you, I either forget or think what I 'know' must not be right. Like the first time you spit up, I cried. CRIED! Pathetic, I know. I just love you so so so so so much, and can't imagine anything (like reflux!) happening to you. As time has gone on I've started trusting my instincts again and am not such a basket-case (well, not as often).

Another thing that's just melted my heart has been seeing you with your Daddy. I always knew he would be an amazing Father, but seeing you two together just makes me realize even more how we were always supposed to be together- us three (with our puppies of course!), a perfect little family.

You have had so many adventures this month, too. We visited Daddy's Apple store, where you were a total hit- all of Daddy's co-workers just LOVED you! You also got to meet your Great Grandma Norma. Sadly, she had a very serious seizure just this past week. I couldn't help thinking how glad I was that she got to see you, and how grateful I am for our family. She is doing much better now, but I know only have so much time left together as she IS 95! Life is just so precious, and this month has just made that all the more real.

So what else does your world look like? You are finally eating like a champ after fighting the boob at first (due to the fact you got formula when you were in the NICU). You will take a bottle if need be, or if someone else wants to feed you. I am pumping when I can, but considering how much you love formula, I don't feel too guilty about giving it to you once in awhile. You are sleeping pretty consistently at night- you fall asleep between 7 and 8, always wake up for a midnight feeding, and then will normally sleep until about 5 (sometimes 6!) before you want to eat again. And normally, you'll go right back to bed after that, too! I am still figuring out your days- between different morning and afternoon naps and cat naps, you don't really have a set schedule yet.

I know so much more has happened, and I know more than I can even imagine will continue to happen. For the first time in my life, though, I am just so peaceful and really enjoying each day with you. Can I believe you're already a month? Yes and no- I can't believe we've had you for over 5 weeks, but I also can't imagine life without you.

I love you so much Max Thomas! You are our greatest gift, and I can't wait to keep learning about and loving you!

Love,
Mama