Unfortunately right now, I'm not liking having to be an adult. I'm scared I have to stop playing.
Ben and I have had moments where we look at our life and think, "Oh, when THIS happens we'll feel grown up." And while many moments have been momumental and important, I don't know that there has been one that feels so big and life-changing as having a baby.
It's causing me (us) to look at things in our life that need to change- some are good and feel beneficial, like nailing down a budget and becoming financially "awesome" :) I've also been reflecting on work and how to be a passionate and purposeful employee in all of my roles, soon-to-be Mom included. And some are super hard, like realizing that I have NOT done my part in training Athena and my poor husband is at his wits end, wondering how (and IF) he can handle two dogs and a little person. (By the way, any suggestions from those that have two dogs and/or know of great training facilities, PLEASE let me know.) I can't imagine getting into an, "It's me or the dog" conversation but I fear it's on its way there. And I'm overwhelmed with relationships- there are so many people I want to get to know better, so many I want to see more, and I find myself feeling guilty because on the other side, I'm so tired and scared to be let down or not be a "good" enough friend that people will stick around that I just pull away or retreat because it's easier. But I NEED relationship- I thrive when I know and am known well.
Regardless of how good or bad these decisions will be for us, it's just hard to think about the responsibility that comes along with no longer being just "us". Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled beyond belief and know I will not be able to imagine my life without our peanut when he/she arrives. But I've got 9 months to ponder how nothing will ever be the same again.
I've got to be honest... I'm terrified. I'm so damn selfish, which has been "ok" thus far; but it's not about me anymore, and that scares the crap out of me. What if I can't do it? What if I keep old habits and neglect my poor child? What if my precious baby girl dog threatens to "ruin" my marriage? What if I don't want to give up Starbucks and manicures? I kinda just want to throw a little tantrum and go in the corner but guess what- the baby will keep growing in my belly and will arrive in August whether I'm pouting or not.
So my goal/desire/NEED is to figure out how to be the best ME, the best US- as best I/we can- so that this sweet little life is nothing less than a blessing and absolutely NECESSARY part of our lives. I know I can do it. I'm just really, really scared.
3 comments:
I love your honesty. Thanks for sharing what's on your heart. The next few months are going to life changing, and I am so glad that I get to be part of that journey with you! Love you girl!
You are having the same thoughts that I had, to a tee. My advice? Let it go b/c here's the thing - IT'S HARD AND SOMETIMES IT SUCKS. And the sooner you just accept that fact, the less crazy you will feel. Juggling being a wife, a mother, and a career woman is the toughest job (or 3) that you will EVER have. And there will be some days when think you just can't do it for one more minute, and then your little bundle will smile for the first time; laugh for the first time; say "Mama" for the first time...and all of those cares just float out the window and you'll laugh at yourself for even worrying about them.
You are right, you won't have as much "me" time, but you will get little glimpses of it that will be enough. The most important thing is to stay true to who YOU are. You and I are very alike - I'm a sillyheart too and am always wondering when I'll "actually feel grown up"? But you know what I've realized - NEVER, b/c that's not me...and it's not you either...and that's perfectly OK b/c we'll probably end up living more fulfilled lives b/c of it. Love you and am ALWAYS here to talk.
We've all had those, "oh shit" moments during pregnancy. Don't sweat it. The more playful you are as a person, the happier your child will be. And as far as the dog goes...I can SO relate. My hubby never wanted to get our second dog (the girl) and complains that I never trained her and what a nuisance she is. I think it's nice for a dogs to have a few of the same species in one house. I know a great trainer in the Schaumburg area but I don't know where you live...
Post a Comment