A gift my parent's gave me very early on was the ability to play- to stay in touch with my inner child and to realize that, no matter how old I am or what I've accomplished in life, I can always keep wondering "what do I want to do when I grow up". That's helped as I've moved into different parts of adulthood because I know that I can always go to moments of play and joy, and when I need to be an adult, I CAN because I don't have to stop playing.
Unfortunately right now, I'm not liking having to be an adult. I'm scared I have to stop playing.
Ben and I have had moments where we look at our life and think, "Oh, when THIS happens we'll feel grown up." And while many moments have been momumental and important, I don't know that there has been one that feels so big and life-changing as having a baby.
It's causing me (us) to look at things in our life that need to change- some are good and feel beneficial, like nailing down a budget and becoming financially "awesome" :) I've also been reflecting on work and how to be a passionate and purposeful employee in all of my roles, soon-to-be Mom included. And some are super hard, like realizing that I have NOT done my part in training Athena and my poor husband is at his wits end, wondering how (and IF) he can handle two dogs and a little person. (By the way, any suggestions from those that have two dogs and/or know of great training facilities, PLEASE let me know.) I can't imagine getting into an, "It's me or the dog" conversation but I fear it's on its way there. And I'm overwhelmed with relationships- there are so many people I want to get to know better, so many I want to see more, and I find myself feeling guilty because on the other side, I'm so tired and scared to be let down or not be a "good" enough friend that people will stick around that I just pull away or retreat because it's easier. But I NEED relationship- I thrive when I know and am known well.
Regardless of how good or bad these decisions will be for us, it's just hard to think about the responsibility that comes along with no longer being just "us". Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled beyond belief and know I will not be able to imagine my life without our peanut when he/she arrives. But I've got 9 months to ponder how nothing will ever be the same again.
I've got to be honest... I'm terrified. I'm so damn selfish, which has been "ok" thus far; but it's not about me anymore, and that scares the crap out of me. What if I can't do it? What if I keep old habits and neglect my poor child? What if my precious baby girl dog threatens to "ruin" my marriage? What if I don't want to give up Starbucks and manicures? I kinda just want to throw a little tantrum and go in the corner but guess what- the baby will keep growing in my belly and will arrive in August whether I'm pouting or not.
So my goal/desire/NEED is to figure out how to be the best ME, the best US- as best I/we can- so that this sweet little life is nothing less than a blessing and absolutely NECESSARY part of our lives. I know I can do it. I'm just really, really scared.
